Relationships

A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE & HOW ADDICTIVE IT IS?

March 21, 2017

Today’s affirmation: Don’t get it twisted, the struggle is real, there is a thin line between love and abuse

On a coursework project, we both wanted to be the project manager (I don’t even know why I wanted to be the manager because these days, I’m more than happy to be in the background as long as the work is being done). So we argued about it, our teacher got involved, she spoke to us, smiled and said ‘you can both be the managers’ haha. Since then, we’ve been addressing each other as ‘manager.’

Me and my ex met through this friend, so I’m going to be addressing him as ‘manager.’ I don’t know what nickname I’m going to call my ex, so I will address him as ‘My ex or Ex.’

My ex was very weird or should I say he will think you are weird or crazy if you call him by any other name (baby, sweetheart, bae etc) you have to call him by his nickname or by the shorten version of his original name and you wouldn’t be dear to call him by his full government name (which he doesn’t like and has made it clear to everyone lol), he will stop what ever he is doing and address you in a very aggressive manner.

My ex stumbled on my Facebook profile

One day, Manager was going through my Facebook page whilst at work, My ex saw my pictures, told Manager that he likes me, he wants to be with me. Manager ignored him as I’ve told him before during our conversations that I would prefer going out with a guy from country X rather than country Y. My ex was from country Y, Manager knew I wasn’t going to tolerate him if I knew that, so he told him that and My ex was aware of this. Fast forward, we spoke on the phone one day, he told me he is from country X, we had a good laugh on the phone and I told my friend to give him my number.

We got on

We started speaking on the phone for some days and we went on a date after some time. Things progressed from there and we moved in together, well I moved into his flat. He is a very hard working and smart guy because at 26, he had everything together. He became a role model to me, I respected him so much.

Not into him

Sorry I’ve forgot to mention that I was not into him at 1st but I grew to love him. I became addicted to his shoutings, cursing, basically his temper will move from 0-100% real quick. Oftentimes, I will begin to cry because I have no idea why he has turned into a monster for no good reason. After he comes back to his senses, he will apologise by saying ‘look what you’ve made me done?’ It’s never their fault and he always say he will never do it again lol. We will cuddle and makeup, he often use to buy me nice gifts too or give me money after this. I don’t know if anyone has been in situations like this, but it felt nice because you are so blind and they always seem to make it like it’s your fault.

Never lacked food

I always had food in the house, he had a restaurant that he used to buy weekly food from, he didn’t want me cooking. On his way back from work, he will buy me any takeaway I wanted. I never really used to go out unless when I am going to work on weekends.

When did this happen?

It happened during my gap year at university. At this time, I was designing jewelleries and working part time on weekends. He worked full time during the week. He didn’t really want me to work, he didn’t see the point of it….. I called in sick a few times because he will prefer us to be in bed on Saturday mornings. I did enjoyed working with my team and I didn’t want to let them down by leaving just after a couple of months, so I managed to keep my job: this was a great move because when I finally decided to move out on my own, my job had me covered with mainly my rent money (amazing). Also my small business sales helped me along the way with my little expenses, thanks to all my lovely customers.

Friday night outings

He goes out every Friday night with his work colleagues, he often asked me to join but to be honest, I wasn’t interested to be the only girl amongst his group of coworkers, so I stayed home instead. After all, he will be back by midnight anyways.

One day, I had a day off on a Saturday so I decided it would be nice to go out with my girls. I got back home around 4am, he was really upset that I had gone out, I didn’t understand why he would be upset because I haven’t been out by myself in months.

The guy that liked me before My ex.

I met the guy at a party a day before My ex was introduced to me. Told My ex about him and told the guy about My ex as things progressed between us as they both worked at the same office. They began having awkward moments at work after this introduction said My ex.

One day I went out, bumped into this guy, told My ex when I got home and he replied ‘oh you went to see him’ me: no I bumped into him at the train station. Anyways he went to work the next day, when he returned, he was very annoyed at me for making the guy ignore him when he said hello to him during a fag (cigarette) break said My ex.

We had an argument over this because I was very confused as to why he would blame me for this guy’s behaviour and why he didn’t understand as an adult that the guy was annoyed because he wanted us to be together instead.

Arguments, accusations and him cussing me became a routine in the relationship
His never touched me but I was hurt by the words (stupid, dumb, not smart etc I mean I can only remember a few now haha) which took a long time to heal after breaking up.

I finally had enough one day and began looking for my own place and I moved out (young ladies must read this too). This time it was for good because it wasn’t like those other days when I will say I’m leaving and he will call me by 2pm, apologise and I will return by the time he is back from work. But I got my own place and I wasn’t going to go back to stay to his.

He stopped talking to me

When I moved out, he was annoyed and stopped talking to me because I wouldn’t move back to his. I was really hurt at this point. Imagine you being so use to someone, you spoke to them everyday and one day, everything stopped. There were people to talk to but hey, I really just wanted to talk to him and I was ignored which hurts so much.

Hurts so much? Are you ok Eliza? Yes, this is an addiction

After a month, he called to go over his and I refused. Cut matter short, we met out instead, got a takeaway and came back to mine, whilst eating, I made a comment about his food, he screamed, got so angry for a moment and he came back to his senses and apologise again. It was at this point that I began coming to my senses. I wasn’t even angry anymore.

We were still seeing each other

Even though I didn’t move back to his, we still saw each other but eventually came to an end one day when I finally realised his problem wasn’t really me. He has dealt with some traumatic situations in the past which affects him. I realised that I don’t have the power to change him, that’s a personal choice. He will have to learn to live with it or continue affecting others in his life with his wounds. This is something he has to deal and live with. I can’t judge him and at the same time, I can’t keep on making excuses for him and I can’t keep on trying to heal him as much as I would like to, he will have to make this  decision himself.

How ironic is that my healing song Mirror by Justine Timberlake came on whilst I was writing this. Also, it was only then that I learnt who is who between Justine Timberlake and Timberland, Timberlake sang Mirror haha).  In Krio, they will say ‘na tin kin mak tin be’ I would have love to interpret this in English but unfortunately I don’t know how to, if anyone is reading this and can translate, please comment below.

How being financially independent helped?

A lot of women that have suffered from domestic violence, will advise anyone leaving the relationship to start a new life to have the finance or a strong support system. Having my income from my part time job and small business really helped and gave me a voice. Imagine if I had to ask him to give me money to move out? No me either I can’t imagine the joke, that’s the last thing they will help you do.

Since this day, I promised myself I will have mastery on how to depend on myself emotionally and financially at all times and I’ve done exactly so with taking on to spirituality and managing my businesses. Let’s just say no matter what the situation is, I definitely have to be my own person.

This was traumatic but thought me a lot of lessons like:

1. To be financially independent.
2. To be strong as an individual and be able to heal myself, hence why meditation and spirituality are very important to me.
3. Someone else’s fault is not my fault.
4. You can never win with some people and they are better to be left alone.
5. Everything happens for a reason.
6. There is a thin line between love and abuse.
7. Turn your mess into a message: my mess made me grow, motivated and empowered me.
8. Lastly, love yourself, it’s very important (I will do a blog post on this topic one of these days).

Until this day, I don’t think anything is his fault (the power of addiction), I think he did everything subconsciously as he will immediately apologise when he is in a calm state.

Would I get back with him?

He called me not too long ago and wanted us to get back together to start a family. Stability wise, he is the ideal husband as he has just bought a second house too. Financial, I will be good but emotionally, I know I wouldn’t be. I can’t live like this forever, so I had to pass. The answer is no.

Thanks very much for your support and please kindly connect with me on my other social media pages listed below:

Instagram: @lizzylozzo
Twitter: @misslizzyhanson

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